Finding the Rainbow After the Storm

This is one of the hardest posts I have ever had to write…

In the blink of an eye, one day I was pregnant, the next I was not. Since my last post announcing my pregnancy, I have had a miscarriage. My heart still aches over our loss. It’s been hard to write about my experience because really, where do you start? How do you write about your loss when you’re still grieving? It’s still hard to share my experience, but I really want to try. So here is my post about my experience.

We found out we were pregnant in April.  After my post announcing my pregnancy, I started to notice some spotting – light pink. I’ve read that spotting is normal during the first few weeks of pregnancy, so I self-talked myself into thinking that everything was fine. A week went by and the spotting did not stop. I called my doctor, but got a nurse instead and she said not to worry, spotting is normal. I was scared out of my mind, so I went to urgent care. The first doctor I saw did some test and said the same thing the nurse said. It’s normal for spotting. I was very frustrated with the type of care I was receiving. In May, I was also getting ready to graduate. The day of my graduation, I was experiencing back pain and more spotting. For a day that was supposed to be celebrated, I was not feeling the joy of the day. I was worried about my baby. After my graduation, I expressed my concern with my sister who came to my graduation. She encouraged me to go back to urgent care. The following day, we went to urgent care again. This time around, we had a different doctor. The doctor actually did blood work and an ultrasound.

Ultrasound showed no heart beat and my blood work showed that my HCG level was decreasing. When we received the news, we knew the evitable was coming. The morning of the May 15th, I was experiencing contractions and my back was hurting and the cramping was unbearable. We went to go see my doctor that day. During the visit, he said that there was nothing we could do, but let things happen naturally or come back for a d&c. Otherwise, what I was experiencing that day was contractions leading up to a miscarriage. I experience the miscarriage during the evening. My husband and I held on to each other as we got our first and last look at the baby we wanted so badly. I was in so much shock; tears didn’t come until after the miscarriage. I crawled into bed and let the tear gates open. Calling to share the news with my mom and mother-in-law was a challenge because the tears kept coming.

After the miscarriage, I experienced postpartum depression. It didn’t happen right away. Now that I reflect back on it, it crept up on me without me realizing until I started noticing that I was withdrawing from people, losing interest in things I loved doing, and keeping my thoughts/feelings/emotions to myself. I didn’t talk to anyone other than my husband about the experience of going through a miscarriage. Hence, the lack of blog posts over the past months. For a long time, I blamed myself for our loss. Did I do something wrong? What’s wrong with my body? Am I being condemned for something in my past life? Over time, after talking with family and friends, I’ve come to terms that I did all I could at the moment to protect my baby. It just wasn’t meant to be. I know that as we move forward with our TTC journey, there is definitely a need to focus on healthy choices for the body to help my body sustain a pregnancy. Although I’m thankful that Clomid helped us ovulate and get pregnant, it did not help us sustain the pregnancy.

I understand that every women experience a miscarriage differently. Although I was at the early stages of pregnancy, I know I took it hard with the miscarriage because we’ve wanted a baby for so long. It’s been half a year now since the miscarriage. I have been very fortunate to have a supporting husband, family, and circle of friends.  I know that losing someone is an emotional and hard experience. It’s a moment that someone might not ever get over, and every once in a while you find yourself reflecting that moment of loss. It’s alright to mourn all over again. Reflect back on the experience and move forward. My husband and I are staying strong. We’re hopeful for new beginnings.

This is a New Year. Last year I had a list of goals. I tried accomplishing them, but I know I fell short on actually completing many of them. So this year’s resolution – I have none. I just want to continue loving unconditionally, stay healthy, and being mindful and grateful for what I have in life. With the New Year, I’m looking forward to blogging again.

I re-read my last blog post and noticed one sentence that I wrote “If somehow the stars don’t agree with us and something should happen during this pregnancy, as long as I know I was able to share this special moment with those I love.” I suppose, the stars didn’t agree with us after all, but we are grateful for the moment we had of being pregnant for a few weeks.

For all those who have experienced a miscarriage and still trying to conceive, my heart and thoughts go out to you all. We are not alone. May we find our rainbow after the storm. I send much love and baby dust to all of us as we continue on our TTC journey.

A special THANK YOU for all of the ladies who wrote kind words on my blog post announcing my pregnancy in May 2013. I may not have replied, but I am very grateful for the kind words!

– Much love ispymybaby 

big news

Wow….where do I start with updates?

Well, first of all I guess I should go ahead and share the BIG NEWS! We’re pregnant!!! We’ve been trying for over two years and now we’re finally blessed! Clomid worked for us. At the moment,  I still can’t believe it. I found out on April 16th after taking a pregnancy test using the First Response brand. I could hardly see the second line, but it was there. I shared the exciting news with the love on the 18th with a surprised egg hunt. We confirmed pregnancy with my school doctor on the 28th. On May 2nd,  we went in for our first prenatal check up and did some blood work. We are going back on the 24th for an ultrasound and officially meet our doctor.

fototest1

I know it may be early to be sharing our pregnancy with others, but we’ve been waiting so long for this special moment. If somehow the stars don’t agree with us and something should happen during this pregnancy, as long as I know I was able to share this special moment with those I love. But we’re staying positive, praying for a healthy and safe pregnancy as well as delivery.

Praying for strength during this pregnancy to be able to have a safe pregnancy and to be as humble as possible.

(I do apologize for being gone from the blogging world for so long. Wishing all of you good things as well as baby dust and sticky beans to those who need it. My hope is to catch up with my blog readings within the next weeks)

Update…Finally!

Finally some updates from me about our TTC journey!

  1. Survived taking my first cycle of Clomid. Clomid ended on the 28th of March. After taking clomid, I experienced major side effects: more back pains, cramps, nausea, hot flashes >> They were NOT FUN at all!!!!
  2. My younger sister is pregnant! She’s the one I mentioned in one of my earlier post about someone I love dearly who announced her pregnancy to me. I’ve already started planning for her baby shower! Initially, I was sad over her news, but now that I’ve had time to absorb everything, I’m not so hard on myself anymore. My sister deserves to be happy too.
  3. The love and I had a positive LH on April 5th! YEAH! We literally jumped for joy because we never ever thought we would see a positive LH!
  4. So, now we wait. Been testing for a positive HCG, so far nothing……………………… Praying that we get blessed with a little bean and that it stays a sticky bean.

So, that’s my update post. Heading off to sleep now. Good night and wishing everyone baby dust all around.

Clomid Update #1

I survived my first day of Clomid! I took my first pill last night. Didn’t experience any hot flashes. However, the symptoms I experienced the most today were irritability, back pains, and some cramps. I think I’ll be taking the pills at night as many people have commented that it helps ease the side effects. Wish the Pink Pad app had a feature where I could document my Clomid experience. Anyhow, that’s my Clomid update of the day. Sweet and simple :D

Aunt Flow’s leaving…and Clomid’s coming

Aunt Flow has been visiting me for four days now since taking Provera. Tomorrow marks my fifth day, which also means I will be taking my first Clomid pill. I’m both excited and anxious about my clomid journey. My younger siblings are visiting me during their spring break and will be with me all next week. I love them dearly and don’t mind having them over. However, I’m scared that the side effects of Clomid might make me a cranky and moody person so I just hope that they can endure a crazy me. I’ve already warn them that I might be a little crazy while they are visiting due to taking some medicine. hehe Praying for strength to guide me through my Clomid journey!

Lots of thoughts for a Tuesday

I figured I will forgo the Ten Thoughts Tuesday today, and write an actual post.

Our Clomid journey is right on track so far. I’ve taken Provera and today spotted some bleeding so Aunt Flow will be visiting soon. I’m excited and scared at the same time knowing that next week sometime I will be taking Clomid and we will be on our way to baby dancing to the moonlight, praying for a miracle so that we are blessed and get pregnant.

When taking Clomid, you never know if you’ll be the lucky ones who ovulate or the unfortunate ones that don’t. I’m really praying that I ovulate and that we catch our huge LH surge. I’m looking online to find which OPKs to order. I wonder if there is a difference between using the regular sticks vs. the digital sticks?

I was sharing with my friends that I’m hoping that ovulation will take place in April for us. Yesterday, I was fooling around with the due date calculator and if we conceive on April 7th and beyond, then we will be blessed and be due in the New Year of 2014! I’m trying to stay positive. But if Clomid doesn’t work for us this first try, I’m so scared that I’m going to relapse and get emotionally stressed.  I will need to find some ways to cope with the potential disappointment if Clomid #1 doesn’t work.

Other thoughts…I went to my acupuncture session today. We did moxibustion. Right now, my acupuncturist is trying to accommodate my upcoming usage of Clomid. She’s going to focus on tonifying kidney which will help regulate and strengthen the uterine lining. I find this to be a great thing because if we’re going to use Clomid, that may thin out my uterine lining. It will also help strengthen the area for egg implementation. We’re also focusing on cooling the blood to remove blood stasis, and we will also try to resolve damp heat. My body is clearly still wack! :(

So, that’s that for my thoughts for Tuesday. ^_^