This is one of the hardest posts I have ever had to write…
In the blink of an eye, one day I was pregnant, the next I was not. Since my last post announcing my pregnancy, I have had a miscarriage. My heart still aches over our loss. It’s been hard to write about my experience because really, where do you start? How do you write about your loss when you’re still grieving? It’s still hard to share my experience, but I really want to try. So here is my post about my experience.
We found out we were pregnant in April. After my post announcing my pregnancy, I started to notice some spotting – light pink. I’ve read that spotting is normal during the first few weeks of pregnancy, so I self-talked myself into thinking that everything was fine. A week went by and the spotting did not stop. I called my doctor, but got a nurse instead and she said not to worry, spotting is normal. I was scared out of my mind, so I went to urgent care. The first doctor I saw did some test and said the same thing the nurse said. It’s normal for spotting. I was very frustrated with the type of care I was receiving. In May, I was also getting ready to graduate. The day of my graduation, I was experiencing back pain and more spotting. For a day that was supposed to be celebrated, I was not feeling the joy of the day. I was worried about my baby. After my graduation, I expressed my concern with my sister who came to my graduation. She encouraged me to go back to urgent care. The following day, we went to urgent care again. This time around, we had a different doctor. The doctor actually did blood work and an ultrasound.
Ultrasound showed no heart beat and my blood work showed that my HCG level was decreasing. When we received the news, we knew the evitable was coming. The morning of the May 15th, I was experiencing contractions and my back was hurting and the cramping was unbearable. We went to go see my doctor that day. During the visit, he said that there was nothing we could do, but let things happen naturally or come back for a d&c. Otherwise, what I was experiencing that day was contractions leading up to a miscarriage. I experience the miscarriage during the evening. My husband and I held on to each other as we got our first and last look at the baby we wanted so badly. I was in so much shock; tears didn’t come until after the miscarriage. I crawled into bed and let the tear gates open. Calling to share the news with my mom and mother-in-law was a challenge because the tears kept coming.
After the miscarriage, I experienced postpartum depression. It didn’t happen right away. Now that I reflect back on it, it crept up on me without me realizing until I started noticing that I was withdrawing from people, losing interest in things I loved doing, and keeping my thoughts/feelings/emotions to myself. I didn’t talk to anyone other than my husband about the experience of going through a miscarriage. Hence, the lack of blog posts over the past months. For a long time, I blamed myself for our loss. Did I do something wrong? What’s wrong with my body? Am I being condemned for something in my past life? Over time, after talking with family and friends, I’ve come to terms that I did all I could at the moment to protect my baby. It just wasn’t meant to be. I know that as we move forward with our TTC journey, there is definitely a need to focus on healthy choices for the body to help my body sustain a pregnancy. Although I’m thankful that Clomid helped us ovulate and get pregnant, it did not help us sustain the pregnancy.
I understand that every women experience a miscarriage differently. Although I was at the early stages of pregnancy, I know I took it hard with the miscarriage because we’ve wanted a baby for so long. It’s been half a year now since the miscarriage. I have been very fortunate to have a supporting husband, family, and circle of friends. I know that losing someone is an emotional and hard experience. It’s a moment that someone might not ever get over, and every once in a while you find yourself reflecting that moment of loss. It’s alright to mourn all over again. Reflect back on the experience and move forward. My husband and I are staying strong. We’re hopeful for new beginnings.
This is a New Year. Last year I had a list of goals. I tried accomplishing them, but I know I fell short on actually completing many of them. So this year’s resolution – I have none. I just want to continue loving unconditionally, stay healthy, and being mindful and grateful for what I have in life. With the New Year, I’m looking forward to blogging again.
I re-read my last blog post and noticed one sentence that I wrote “If somehow the stars don’t agree with us and something should happen during this pregnancy, as long as I know I was able to share this special moment with those I love.” I suppose, the stars didn’t agree with us after all, but we are grateful for the moment we had of being pregnant for a few weeks.
For all those who have experienced a miscarriage and still trying to conceive, my heart and thoughts go out to you all. We are not alone. May we find our rainbow after the storm. I send much love and baby dust to all of us as we continue on our TTC journey.
A special THANK YOU for all of the ladies who wrote kind words on my blog post announcing my pregnancy in May 2013. I may not have replied, but I am very grateful for the kind words!
– Much love ispymybaby